Boundaries 101
Boundaries are an often cited, yet commonly misconstrued psychological idea. Difficulty with boundaries is one of the most common issues I see with clients dealing with a variety of presenting problems—from anxiety, and depression to life transitions and relationship conflict. I had the good fortune of completing a two year training with the former Bay Area affiliate of the John Bradshaw Center where a premium was placed on learning boundaries.
Perhaps the easiest example of a boundary system is that of the cell wall. Simply put, cell walls keep out the bad stuff and let in the good stuff. While that may be an oversimplification, it is a helpful guiding principal. Similarly, our boundaries are a part of our emotional self-care system. They express a limit, whether that be physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, or spiritual. When we have poor boundaries, we open ourselves to harmful experiences or dissatisfactory relationships. On the other hand, if we have too rigid of boundaries, we might not let in some of the emotional nourishment we need.
I teach people that boundaries are always connected to our feelings and needs. You might say that feelings are our best guides to our needs and limits. Often when people come to therapy, they have difficulty identifying their feelings. This is common, and not a reason to feel shame. However, when we have difficulty identifying our feelings, it is very hard to ask for what we need in relationship and to set limits.
The first step in having good boundaries is to develop awareness of our feeling states. How do I experience myself when I am angry? Sad? Ashamed? Scared? Hurt? Knowing the cues to these emotional experiences allow us to plug into our emotional self-care system, to clearly define our needs and limits. For example if I know I am sad, I might just need to ask for some reassurance or for someone else to listen while I express my feelings. If I’m frustrated or resentful with someone else, its very possible I have been neglecting my boundaries. If these feelings arise, there is always an opportunity to check in with myself and say… “Do I have a limit here that I haven’t expressed?” “Is there something I am needing that I haven’t asked for?”
Boundary work is a practice. It’s an ongoing learning process that takes time, self-observation, and self-love. We are all works in progress. I am confident that you can learn boundary skills and that knowing these skills will benefit you greatly. I will post more in the future about this very important topic, but for now… be well!
5 Tips For Cultivating a Meditation Practice During COVID
Despite the challenges that it presents, living in the time of COVID also offers us a unique opportunity to look at how we practice self-care. Of all the forms of self-care practice, perhaps the most commonly recommended is meditation, or mindfulness. In this post, I am going to discuss some tips for developing a regular meditation practice. I have practiced meditation in fits and starts since I was 20 years old, with extended periods of daily meditation. It changed my life, and it could very well change yours. So here it goes:
1. Consistency is the best way to practice. In almost all cases, is better to practice a little (5-10 mins) regularly than a lot rarely. Meditation is a form of workout for your mind. When we work out, we start small and build up. Other ways to help stay consistent is to develop a routine. Try choosing the same time every day, or meditate after you do something else that you do everyday (e.g. brushing your teeth). Try meditating in the same place. Find what works for you, and do your best to commit to that daily.
2. Don’t judge your practice. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard, “I’m not sure meditation works for me… I was so distracted while trying to meditate!” People often think they are supposed to be laser focused from the get go during meditation. While some advanced meditators may get to that stage (so I have heard) for most of us this is NOT realistic as we start out… In fact, distraction is a normal part of meditation! What is important is that you are paying attention. It is best to not place such high expectations on our meditation practice, and to see it as a process of learning about our minds.
3. Try some different meditations, but then stick to one practice that you connect to. I am all for people trying different meditations. There are apps that may guide you through several different kinds of meditations. However, at a certain point if we are trying so many different meditations we might end up getting confused. We might not be able to develop a rhythm or relationship with that practice. In meditation the idea is that we are not giving ourselves MORE to think about. Therefore, I suggest that once you find a practice you connect to that you give it some time to go deeper with. That is not to say you have to be locked in forever, just try being consistent with one practice for a month or two. If you feel inclined to try something else after that, then go for it. If you are comfortable in your practice at that time, then keep it up!
4. Be kind to yourself. If you miss a session, don’t beat yourself up. If you are so distracted during a session that you lose hope, don’t worry. You are human, and meditation is not about being perfect. There is no benefit to shaming or putting undue pressure on yourself. Rather, try to remember what motivates you to meditate. What is good about it. Meditation is a privilege, not an obligation. It is something to do for your health and well-being out of self-love, not self-hatred.
5. Enjoy it. This one might seem difficult if you are new to meditation, and just learning how much your thoughts run the show. Yet, I am very confident that if you stick with it, you will find pockets deep enjoyment that come with giving our minds the opportunity to rest. No need to chase the experience, but when it shows up its okay to appreciate it and gently remind yourself that this is one of the greatest gifts you can offer to you!