Do you want to change, or do you want a fix?

The two are very different in the context of therapy. Change is hard work. It requires uncertainty. Falling and picking ourselves up. Trial and error. Bumps and bruises. Feeling exposed and maybe even lost in the jungle sometimes.

A fix seems easy. Someone hands you a technique, a script, a plan, and you hope it resolves the issue. The problem? The desire for a fix is likely rooted in a desire to control or avoid our experience. Paradoxically, that desire often prolongs exactly what we are trying to remedy. This is not rare. I see it often right away in the first session.

When we come to therapy, of course we want relief.

But how we approach therapy and what we expect from it greatly influences whether we can experience genuine change or just another way to try to feel less. Many come to therapy wanting to learn how to control their experience. They are often unaware that it is that very desire to control which keeps them stuck.

Control asks the world, or ourselves, to behave differently so we don't have to feel what we feel. Sometimes control comes dressed as clarity, three steps, a clean answer, the sense that certain emotions shouldn't be there at all. But those emotions are often trying to tell us something. Shutting them out means we never find out what.

Change asks something else of us: to be curious with the discomfort long enough to learn we can tolerate it, to set down the story when needed, and stop trying to fix it… This requires us to relate to ourselves in new ways. And that's when things actually start to open up.

Trying to control our experience (or someone else's) can lead to:

• addiction

• relationship conflict

• low tolerance for emotional states

• irritability

• increased anxiety

• constant self-comparison

• perfectionism

• impostor syndrome

• low self-esteem

• codependency

• lack of meaning, purpose

• lack of pleasure

If some of this list sounds like you, good. Now you know what we're actually working with. The good news? You can learn how to work with this stuff, to change your relationship to yourself and others.

My Approach

My work is integrative and relational. Rather than focusing only on symptoms, I help you understand how your patterns developed, and how they still show up in your life today.

We focus on:

• Tracking what's happening in the body, not just the story about it

• Understanding attachment patterns from early relationships, and how they still operate automatically

• Developing accurate differentiation of emotional states and the capacity for communication while in conflict or distress

• Understanding boundaries as connected to somatic and emotional processes, not just as demands or requests

• Building a more compassionate relationship with yourself, one that actually changes how you experience yourself

• Global reduction of toxic shame, unbridled self-criticism, or identification with the super ego.

• Working with dreams as a source of insight

• Bringing contemplative practice into the work, when it fits

If this resonates with you, I’d be happy to connect.

I offer a free consultation where we can talk about what’s going on for you and whether working together feels like a good fit.

Schedule your free consultation

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